Gavin ended up in the hospital today. he suddenly started having a stroke of some sort. he was in the emergency room for hours. it turns out he had a rare and severe precurser to a migrane.

I am so happy that he is alive and well. this is the scariest thing Id ever expirienced.

it was so weird because i was napping after i found out michael jackson had died. Farrah fawcett died today too and when I got a text saying Gavin was in the hospital, I too almost died.

demi lovato quotte

Even though Demi Lovato's pops is trying to clear his name by lying to the media, don't believe him!

Lovato and her family are not reconciling with their estranged father!

In fact, Demi hasn't even talked to him in two years!!

Says Dem: "We are still (estranged). It's not exactly how he made it out to be. It didn't have the fairy tell ending that he portrayed. The last time I talked to him was two years ago."

And don't expect the Disney teen to be changing her mind anytime soon.

"You try to have faith in somebody, even when you're the last person that believes in him," Lovato explained. "But When someone lets you down after you've been the only one there for them, and so many times, you don't know what to do… I had to cut off all connection. It was hurting me too much."

We applaud Demi for being brave enough to talk so candidly about the sensitive matter!

Bravo, girl.

Long time no see

I just came back from whitehorse visiting Gavin.... I really love that guy hes one of the sweetest people ive ever met. when i pet his hair hes just like a little baby being pampered and loved and its so cute. 

Saturday

When I arrived we went to a house party at a friend of his (william) house. I didnt drink much but he drank alot. I fell asleep in williams little sisters bed and awoke to what i thought was michael and was subtly perturbed because gavin was supposed to sleep next to me. dubmly enough it was gavin. when we woke up me gavin Jaydee, Michael, william, stephen all went on a Mac Attack!

Sunday

Gavin took me to Skagway Alaska, home of the  biggest cruise line port. we decided that next year we were going to go on a cruise together no matter what (even if we broke up!!)  William accopanied us to Skagway and we went to his grandfathers tourist attraction which had a brewery...unfortunately we were under twenty one so we couldnt have anything to drink. Gavin and i had our own hotel room in skagway and we watched American TV which was mostly CSI and informercials and Religious crap. 

Monday

We went back to whitehorse and Gavins mom said she was maybe going to looking into me doing co op work at CBC radio in whitehorse!!! which is cool but last time i even mentioned working in whitehorse gavin got freaked out so we had a serious talk about how nothing is detrimentally serious until were done college and we HAVE to make the decision about who goes where. 

Gavins parents threw me and gavin a birthday dinner!!! and baked us a cake and gave me a gift!

we went to the Hot springs and camped out next to the hot springs. Michael and Jaydee hung out with us in gavins camper van till about two thirty am while megan left at about 1am. 

Tuesday

We drove back from the hot springs and gavin gave me my birthday gift, a gorgeous hand made one of a kind  polymer clay bracellet made by a local Yukon artist, Lara melnik.  I cant wait to see him. 82 days. 

the story thus far

long time no chat

I can only assume Ive been busy since i havent been writing much.

its like midnight and my roomates are like BLAH!!! 

Raia talks NONSTOP I can hear her going "i dont like drama" meanwhile shes making drama.  

Staying out of it is what I need to do!

So shiv is in a shitload of trouble college pro whose she has been working for is demanding that she pay them 4 grand because she didnt read the contract and was fired.I hope she does okay.

i get to see gavin in a week! 

its been a week. 

one week out of eighteen.

i have to feel like this eighteen more times. great. 

gone

hes been gone for 24 hours. now I need to do this 24hoursX132 days which is 3168 hours. ick. I dont feel as depressed as last year though I just want to keep doing things and keep busy though.  OMG he just called me 

I hung out with brittany and sam today. That was fun.

I applied for a job at CTV today. HOPEFULLY I can get it i really really want it so badly!

I NEED TO BE BUSY!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Today was wonderful!!! Gavin and I woke up after a hard night of drinking (on my part) to sell his books at buy back. he got 300 bucks and were like SWEET LETS GO SHOPPING...after a nap. so we napped till noon then headed out to downtown vancouver. while downtown the weather turned out nice and we decided we would go to Stanley park but didnt know where the bus was. so while walking around down town we ran into the 420 event at the Vancouver Art Museum. after being lost for a bit we found the bus to stanley park. at stanley park we went to the Aquarium. after the aquarium we went shopping a bit and ran into tracey from my communications class and we talked about how CTV is looking to hire someone for the gift shop which would be AMAZING because it would bring me so much closer to being a broadcaster.  after that we went to metrotown and ate at Sammy J Peppers. everything was just so fun and nice it was like the next few days did not matter because we would be together and we would be happy. 

we understand that we have a long road to go but as long as we love eachother I think that distance is only a minor disturbance in our lives. 

*sigh* I miss him!

thanks for the memories

right now he's out being high with Kory while I'm in doing...packing?? i wish he didnt do this. especially since when he does he comes back really late and is ultimately useless to me. whats worse is that his comprehension of spending time together is being in the same room playing video games.

*sigh*

seven days

The Gods forgot they made me
So I forgot them, too
I listen to their shadows
I play among their graves
My heart is never broken
My patience never tried
I got seven days to live my life or seven ways to die

good idea?

So I ran into katelin yesterday in the dinning hall and she suggested we live together in townhouses in the summer. I've got a bad feeling about this. she's nice...but shes DRAMARAMA so lets see how this goes. 

its a beautiful day

Today I woke up at 11am exactly and just felt amazing! I cleaned my room and washed my dishes then called gavin and was like LETS STUDY!!! so we went to his place and couldnt study because it was all muggy inside. so we went from townhouses all the way to renaissance (the opposite side of school= 30 minute walk) and sat in the coffee house for four hours just soaking up the sun (we were sitting at this garage door like thing) and there was this jazz guitarrest and it was really just a fantastic day! 

Gold Guns Girls

I'm slightly under the weather. I have a mild headache and runny nose and sneezing. hopefully it will go away its finals and I have a ton of work to do. I think i may get my 3.0 semester if I do  that would be fantastical, ive been working really hard and all my work has been B+. what im really worried about is my CMNS221 paper. I think its really shitty and until I almost finished it I realised it was worth 40 percent of my mark. I hope I can swing a good mark in this class. Ive been so stressed out.  Gavin may stay extra days because his mom wants to buy a new car that would be pretty sweet although Im terrified to watch him drive off in the distance without me.

I am LOVING metrics new CD, the lyrics speak to me more than the others albums did. 

omg so awesome!

Sooo 

Last night was Billy Vancouvers gay top model finale!!! he looked sooo fierce it was amazing~~~ because i went to that i didnt really see gavin at all yesterday. when gavin did see me it was on his way to fencing, in which he forgot his keys at my place.

this morning i get a call from him at 8am (after getting in at 2am)for me to open my front door and get him his keys. I open the door and grumble "couldnt you have gotten your keys after class, whyd you have to wake me up?!"

to which he said.

"Well, I am actually skipping class because I miss you and wanted to lie in bed with you until my next class"

So i felt really bad, but really happy that he missed me.

*sigh* he leaves in two weeks.

CRUSHED!!!

So I drove myself nuts last night getting my 3000 word paper finished for class. which isnt too fun because of the 3000 word paper (which should have been 2300 words) i didnt get time to work on my geography final. so I hand in my paper then wait to hear about the take home final. THREE THOUSAND WORDS. which I normally wouldnt mind except for the fact that same week I have a 2500 word paper due as well. so all i could do, in the middle of SFU surrey was cry. I cried because im exhausted, cried because I had three papers left to write cried because in the span of a week I have to write more than whats ever been required of me before in my life (especially since any time that amount has been asked ive had a month or so to complete said assignment). 

no one seems to comprehend how exhausted I am. lots of people go "oh me too i had to write a paper last week."

but no one seems to understand that in the span of a month i've had 9 papers. NINE! THATS NINE PAPERS IN FOUR WEEKS!!! 

and not just short papers all REALLY LONG ONES that require hours of research. I am so done with school. except not because I have to do summer school. 

I actually wanted to die today but unfortunately i could not because in 11 hours from now I have a final due. 

Do you know what its like to wake up knowing that the sun wont rise again in month? knowing that the sun will stay below the horizon for months at a time? what would you do? You know that you can still live without the sunlight enveloping you in its warmth every day, but what would you do knowing that your every day isnt quite day anymore and is just an endless night in which the moon occasionally shines, but not the same way that the sun would shine. This is what I have to look forward to when you leave me in 22 days. 

I apparently have been absent for ten days. which is kind of coolbecause otherthen the mountains of homework Ive had, me and Gavin have been happy. However hes leaving in twenty six days and this makes me so sad. luckily i get to see him every six weeks. 

lets see.

six times seven equals forty two.

i see him every forty two days.  every month and a half.

that still sucks.

oh well its better then three months without this time hes mine TWICE!!! im so happy. the second i find out my class schedule i can plan my May/ June trip!!  so sorry guys im most likely not going to be here for my twentieth birthday but well still do something sexy, I promise!!

aww gavin just tossed in his bed to put his arm around me!! now hes shifting to find that im not there!!...and instead of caring he snorted and turned to the wall :( oh well. were happy and Im happy BUT OH SO FUCKING STRESSED!!

Lets see

last week I had two 2,500 word papers due

this week one revision that needs to be extended

next week one 2,800 and a 750 word final

week after another 2,500 as well as another final (details have been witheld)

THEN 

english final.

and im done April 16th

Gavins gone April 20th

I move into townhouses WOO april 24th

I start Classes May 4

Gavins Birthday May 26

MY birthday May 29/ SEEING GAVIN! YAY!!

AGH! I LOVE YOU GUYS!

p.s.

Metrics new CD is awesome

SHIT SHIT FUCK FUCK

I had every intention of starting this blog discussing how wonderful gavin is for getting me lunch and stuff but then i remembered something terrible.

so apparently my mom has liver failure, heart disease and diabetes...and I dont know what to do because its hard letting go of all the horrible things she's done to be there for her. i dont know anymore...

not to mention i have 2 2,100 word page essays due this week and one (the geography one which is half done) is a pain in my grill

then i lost at rez idol

I FUCKING LOST!!!

this dumb bitch who FUCKED UP HER SONG got into the top three, WTH MAN WHAT THE HELL!! she wasnt even good she was pitchy and her CA was one of the judges.

everyone said i was amazing, i had stage presence i killed it....yet that dumb sasquathety bitch took my place.


AUG!H

i see my sisters today :)

• You are being fucking ridiculous 
• apparently age isn't anything but a number.

Done

Me and brittany were talking about how when a girl is done in a relationship she is DONE no ifs or buts she is DONE. Tyra said an interesting quote:

There's an "i'm done thing..." when your done you KNOW your done. none of this I love him I'll always love him dud du dah if he gets a job.... when you truly love you  inside and know that you are worth more you know your done. 

Something

So Gavin is sure he has something. he thinks Psychosis or depression or a mix of both. There was another meltdown today. I hope that this passes but I dont think so.  apparently he has three finals in one day. this is not a good recipe.

so it has finally happened

We have become....that couple. We spent all day today in our own filth watching Harry Potter making lame sexual innuendo jokes the entire time, then he went to sleep and I went to the computer and neither of us wanted sex. and we were perfectly fine with that. I must admit this is freaking me out. I mean, we've adopted each others habits. and numerous people noted how we matched clothing and headphones on the way to the gym.  NONE OF ITS ON PURPOSE!! my pants are black his pants are black, my shirt is blue his shirt is blue my headphones are silver his head phones are silver. 

ICK!

p.s.

for last weeks 4 expected meltdowns..

1 complete meltdown

.5 of a meltdown

.5 of a meltdown

totaling: 2/4 meltdowns

YAY FOR ME

A moment like this

me and gavin were watching harry potter and making gay undertones about Malfoy wanting harry. we paused the movie cuz i wanted my heating pad then started making out. then suddenly at the same time we both moaned, "Oh Harry" then burst out laughing. hehe.

eng 105...once again

Im hoping today will be a good day. Im off to the gym after this boring ass class is DONE! i really dont like this class. this class being english 105. my gawd, i shoulda stayed in bed today but it was so nice.  im going to see the watchmen with Gavin *yay*

Chilling with brittany last night was funn

Anxiety, all alone in the moonlight...

Okay so the day before yesterday after Gavins midterm he grabbed me around the waist and swung me around happily. he said that since hes always so down when he doesnt do well he might as well be super happy when he does do well. he kept smilling and wouldnt let me go and it was wonderful.

then yesterday he had a mini meltdown which was unfortunately overshadowed by my own sadness. 

Kory who also had a low GPA got to be a CA.

I just dont understand where I went wrong. and I can understand...but i dont know if I want to.  I spent most of last night crying and even crying myself to sleep from all the anxiety I'm under.

it turns out I have an out line ALSO due for cmns which I was not aware of.  I have seven assignments this month and I think I may collapse from it.

good news.

I have a thesis for my Geography paper!! two weeks after I was supposed to (fyi. i handed in my proposal got a high B but by thesis apparently SUCKED so i needed to re do it)

I just feel so unhappy like a large weight is on me. and when its gone so is Gavin so I have nothing really good to look forward to..

BTW.

I finally came to english class after skipping for two weeks in a row.

FUCK YOU DAVID FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU

I am more frustrated than anything that you keep talking to MY friends. y'know they reply because their being polite but then they always tell me how annoying you are and wish they didnt speak to you about your boring pathetic little life. 

are you so socially retarded that you cant make friends of your own?

I mean it would make sense considering you dont comprehend that what you did to me was wrong on SO MANY FUCKING LEVELS. 

hurry up and fuck off to Montreal, I want to be rid of you and your boring boringness and your trying to move in on MY friendness. 

asshole. 

:(

So I didnt get the CA job. which really breaks my heart because I really wanted this. 

Your sleeping next to me really quietly, which is nice because dealing with your depression today was tough. you feel so fucked over and I understand your frustration but you need to understand that this is difficult for me in a different way. You come to me for help and I help you and you get angry with me for trying to help.  Your so stubborn and prideful that its makeing you nearsighted. I know I have my own problems Im bossy I can be rude but you need to calm down. Tomorrow is a big midterm, worth 30 percent that you are most likely going to fail. I hate admiting that but as long as you walk into things thinking your going to fail what can you expect. 

this depression is putting a different kind of stress on this relationship. I find myself feeling indifferent towards you in your time of need. I dont want to feel that way but when I try to help you and you physically push me away I feel like its all pointless. the only thing I can seem to do right is put my fingers through your hair. 

Im so frustrated with this and I feel like not only do you have depression but you have anxiety attacks as well. 

Im feeling trapped in our relationship. If i think about leaving i cant bare to be apart from the normal you whom i love deeply but if I stay im trapped with the brooding miserable you who devotes his every breath to how much he hates being here, how much of a failure he believes he is and a person whose constantly searching for an  easy way out. 

I have things to do tomorrow. PLEASE be okay...

Meltdown #1

So I  get to start this week off with predicted Meltdown 1/4. this meltdown is characterized with frustration, throwing and thrashing. This meltdown began because...well HE DOESN'T FUCKING KNOW! so now hes miserable and and Im miserable because hes miserable. 

happiness, with a capital H

we have been so HAPPY! that I am NOT READY for this upcoming week. 4 midterms. at least 4 four meltdowns to expect. fuuhhhhhhhhhkkk. but things have been really good with us this weekend.

Warehouses in Ottawa

Time: 11:42

So I am in my Communications 262 class, i.e. QUALITATIVE RESEARCH METHODOLOGIES IN COMMUNICATIONS!!! we are learning briefly about our new assignment which has something to do with photos from an archive. I am not excited. not to mention the word count is 2100 which sucks because for the assignment I had to hand in today I was 20 words short of the 1,800 word limit. Billys assignment is apparently 3,000 words. I dont know how he does it.

Lets see

PubNite tonight yay!! I get to dress up like a slutty superhero my name shall be "BOMBRGIRL" I bought a really cheap corset from Urban Planet in which the bonning is poking me and I must sit down straight. and I have short shorts and a black cape. I apparently need an emblem though. Ill work on one when im done my tutorial for today.

Bellinnis with amanda tomorrow, YAY!

blech I am not excited about this archival paper. I may have to go to an archive more then once. I would choose an SFU archive if SFU was built before 1950.

Time: 11:51

I AM SO BORED!!!

I have half an hour left in this class. then I have an hour of getting shit done i.e. (paying my 100$ deposit, Returning Gavins Call, returning library books, eating foodz while catching up on readings!!)

then I have an hour with Billy --Yay Billy Time-- and then Tutorial for an hour, Boo Tutorial!!

my back hurts.

I want. something. I dont know. Im so bored. I want to go to bed thats what i want.

So ive been thinking about possibly becoming an elementary school teacher! as well as Communication Major. wouldnt that be kick ass.

I need...

2 English (minimum of 3 credits of English Literature)* I am currently in an english lit class
1 Canadian History ick
1 Canadian Geography ick
MATH 190 or equivalent (Principles of Mathematics for Teachers) I GOT A B IN THIS
1 Laboratory Science FUCK MY LIFE

So lets see

I have completed 2/5 requirements for this! and if I do the geography i can possible get a Major in cmns minor in geography and be prepared for PDP (the school teacher program) Ill most definately have a job MUWAHAHAHAHA. I am getting way ahead of myself. PDP lasts a year. if I graduate on time (which I wont with a minor) then Illl NEVER be out of school and if I need to attend BCIT for additional schooling Ill be fucked. and by fucked I mean, in school for like 7 years.

Time: 12:03

SO bored. still

I need to get my grades up. If I dont, Ill never be able to do Co-Op I wont be able to be a CA or even get into my fucking program. lets see, 2.5-2.35= .15 I need to go up .15 points....thats not too hard right?? I went up from 2.21 to 2.35 lets see 2.35-2.21=.14 points. Okay....okay I just cant fuck up this semester. great...no pressure....none at all...just...C+ and up and Ill be good....great....AGH! last semester I got Two B's and a C+ and a C and I was able to get a 2.6 average. in CMNS 221 and 262 and Geog 387 I'm sure I can get C+'s. English which I havent been to in two weeks, I think I can get a B. I hope so. FUCK M Y LIFE!!


Okay its 12:08 class is over in 12 minutes. I can survive that right?? I think Im going to go to the gym for half an hour today. Just go for a bit 15 on elliptical and do my stretches and stuff.

I am SO not paying attention right now. I want a good lunch. a REALLY good lunch.

I think i'm going to write my second CMNS 262 assignment on my people. well, the ones that came to BC and were subjected to racism and etc. it shall be fun. my first project was alcoholics anonymous a group that hits so close to home i think my lamp is broken.

I need to get my shit together fast for a few things. i get my proposal for Geog 387 back tomorrow, I hope they liked it.

OMG CUTE KITTY ON THE BIG SCREEN!!!!!!!

Time: 12: 13

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY SEVEN MINUTES TILL FREEDOM!!

apparently the kitty is a Lynx. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

Fucking snow. I want the fucking snow to fucking go away. I AM SO PISSED> I was so happy to finally walk over the grassy field to Gavins which dissapeared after a day of visibility.

i think I'm going to pay attention for the last five minutes of class.


SheenBean OUT!

Time: 12: 15

Shut up and Drive

So I have my paper due at 10:30am tomorrow. ...yay....and its not done....FUCK MY LIFE! at least I have the majority of it done. I just need to make a strong conclusion thats three hundred words to reach the minimum word limit. It was nice studying with Gavin in West Mall tonight. It was even nice seeing Kevin. I am so exhausted but I am so close!! I just need to wrap this fucking paper up and HAND IT IN!!

hehe

it was nice waking up to you next morning and hearing you say, "i dreamt about you" cuz i dreamt about you too. then you skipped math to be with me and then you skipped physics and I skipped english so we could just sleep happily in each others arms

Aint no sunshine.

Today was supposed to be a good day. but then it all changed when you violently left the room fearing that you might destroy everything or hurt me. I managed to convince you that maybe a change in faculty was needed. but I only managed to convince you of this for today, tomorrows another day. You want to stay in Vancouver....so you can keep fencing. thats nice, but not really. I admitted that your depression is hurting me but it did little to solve anything. we're going around in stupid circles every day and for what? I just dont know anymore. I just wish there was a happy place for both of us.

Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground

I can't live like this anymore. I cant look you in the eye and tell you one more time that everything here is worth it when you dont believe me. The look in your eyes every day when you tell me you would rather be dead then face another day is killing me. I can't leave you so you can solve your problem on your own because Im afraid it will kill you. Every day I feel my heart break a little because I'm losing you in this mist of bewliderment and confusion. In order for you to be happy again I need to give you up and I'm not ready for that. I hate knowing that when your back home you'll be happier and consequently without me.

Get Gone

Aren't you tired of turning your back

heavy eyed at turning away?

I've seen your type before;

when the going gets tough, the tough get gone

I'm sick of pretending that you are a friend

when your none of the sort and you only pretend

I'm tired of waiting to hear from your voice

when you chose not to call it was always your choice

You want forgiveness? well just forget it

I have no more room for your shallow conceits.

"your my best fantasy come true"

today was not a good day. 

he was depressed again then sent me a text saying, "if i fail another class im never coming back". i was so hurt i cancelled our plans. to most his statement wouldnt mean much but to me it meant that once again i would be teetering wondering if wed be together or not and i couldnt take it. so i wouldnt take any of his calls. he asked if he had completely lost me over this (his constant depression) and i said i needed time. i finally spoke to him hours later at the gym, we went back to my place and talked about how hes willing to give up so easily. when he felt sure i wasnt going to break up with him he squeezed me tightly and wouldnt let me go. I really mean alot to him and thats nice to know, i just wish this depression would stop. it makes me wonder if im a crutch for him stopping him from dealing with this on his own. 

......

So apparently my dad thinks i could "lose 10-15 pounds" AGH my dad thinks I'm Fat!! 

WHAT. A loser.

here I am. alone on Valentines day. writing a paper. its 9am and Im already so bored. here goes another day. 

Eng 105

Why does this class always make me want to kill myself? AUGH! SO effing boring. I wonder if taking film would have been this boring. not only do we have a fricken paper due on wednesday WE HAVE READINGS TOO! I hate my life. Gavin goes to west edmonton mall today--jerk. hes supposed to give me many prettty things when he comes back. itll be nice when hes gone. HOWEVER, I have two papers to write.  augh. augh augh and one more for good measure, augh. 

One year!!

So yesterday was our one year and up until yesterday evening you had been really miserable and needy and unmanageable. but then you arrived on time and looked at me with new realization of what your feelings were doing to me. we went to the restaurant like we did five months ago we remembered the scary elevator we sat next to the window and stared at the city below and it was wonderful. we shared mushroom caps with cheese and seafood. you drank your favourite martinis while i sipped peach champagne. you had bison while I had the lobster tortelloni like last time. and just as we were prepared to order the same desert, the waitress gave us that slice of mango strawberry cheese cake with a single candle in it. "happy one year" she said, "make a wish" and we wished that we could both be individually happy and bring that happiness to our relationship and celebrate it as love. and we ended the night watching Alice in Wonderland. it was really great :)

every now and then i fall apart

your depression is like a parasite. every day it lives it feeds off of me. here I am, three hours away from an exam cramming because your depression stole the time i needed for this. who knows maybe if i had that time i still wouldnt feel ready, however i do know that I am constantly thinkig of you when i should constantly be thinking about why "woman" is an unstable category. today is our one year, the sky is bright but i feel like a huge weight is looming over us. when you leave, where will you go? where will I be? will I be trying to cram for a test like I am today only I myself will be a parasite eating off of my own energy and happiness? I've been begging every day for this to end. I just want you to be happy again, whatever that is.

ewww

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

ewww

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

This makes me miss sombra

*le sigh*

I hate homework.

bad girl GREAT NEWS

so i did something bad and breached your personal space. you dont know though. but the thing is you HAVE TO KNOW what I found out. its amazing news, it will make you feel good. you just cant know how i know or that i found out before you. now to lure you towards the goodness without being dreadfully obvious about it all. I'm sorry. but I wanted to know and you werent here. and the page was just open so i dared to look and liked what i found. i'm sorry.

Nowhere

I’m on a five lane road going nowhere
In a place that’s some one elses prayer
I’m on a journey that’s got me on my knees
With no success or guarantees

Somewhere far away from here
Some one else has got my fear
They know what its like to have and hold
And suddenly let go


I don’t want to go to school no more
I don’t want to feel the pain anymore
I want to be home with all my friends
In security that never ends

I don’t want to fail another test
When im trying hard and at my best
I don’t want to see you look at me
When I’m not the one you want me to be

I’m staring at a lake of fire
Of all my hopes and my desires
Watching dream go down in flame
Leaving just myself to blame

If I return and concede defeat
Will you still think I’m incomplete?
I’m trying to fufill all your hopes
While slipping down this rope of soap

I don’t want to go to school no more
I don’t want to feel the pain anymore
I want to be home with all my friends
In security that never ends

I don’t want to fail another test
When im trying hard and at my best
I don’t want to see you look at me
When I’m not the one you want me to be



p.s. not about me

2nd interview

THATS RIGHT I GOT IT, IM ONE STEP CLOSER TO FREE RENT!

blah

and heres my blogginess for the weekend:

I MET STEVE BAYS FROM HOT HOT HEAT AT LOUGHEED MALL!!!!! it was so random and wtf but so awesome!!

I went to Divine brown with Billy and it was VERY good shes very talented and multifaceted and I love it. he said to pay him back (since he bought the ticket for me) that I should buy her CD

Heres my bloginess for mon-wed

Gavin = Love
me= sick
Fish (if you dont know her already)= icky
job= waiting for reply

this looks fun

something in the air

our fights are strange now. like yesterday in the twenty minutes that we saw eachother we had two arguments. the first I was concerned about his presentation today and he was mad at me for caring and thinking he hadnt started. then we tried to get on a packed bus and because he was holding my hand he couldnt force himself on and when I said treat it like concert come on take initiative he got mad at me and said i was brow beating him. so instead of going grocery shopping together i said fuck that and went home to nap. we apollogized of course but I cant help feeling sad. 

i got the interview yay!

I still love you B

gavin broke my neck :(

well we were sumo wrestling with suits aandwell he threw me to the ground and i expirienced whiplash which after of course he body slammed me....

i handed in my resume. it was annoying because i went back to career services after editing my stuff with a new person who basically wanted me to rechange things again....and the meeting took longer than it should have (45 minutes instead of 30) so i had less than an hour to make all the changes and hand it in. 

Gavin called me after i got lunch and wanted me to take him out to lunch. im poor...why did i agree????

moving ONN!!!!

So I just finished my cover letter and resume AGAIN because apparently the first one sucked so many eggs. i have a meeting at 10am tomorrow to discuss it again before i hand it in by noon. Im scared and nervous that since my GPA is slightly too low that they will reject me. I really want this at the moment.

Im so jealous of Sydney.

THATS RIGHT I SAID IT.

She has two jobs is going to school full time and has her own place and drives and I feel so inadequate. my grades arent even good enough to justify why i dont do everything she does. I feel like with this job it will legitimise me, Ill be paying for my residence, ill be working full time and going to school...

anywho, lets get the job FIRST! 

wish me luck!

one week since you looked at me

A week ago Gavin and I had a huge fight over nothing. him and Jes and Dillon were ganging up on me making fun of how clumsy I am, my poor descisions, and my Hannah Montana Bear. 

interject ENGLISH 105 YOU ARE SO BORING

anyways. I was upset and didnt talk to him and then he asked what was wrong and I said he ganged up on me and it wasnt nice. then he said "but all my friends from the yukon always bullshit" and I glared at him and screamed "I'M NOT FROM THERE!!!" and we ended up taking separate ways home. it was really hard on both of us. we made up when we got home but we decided we needed space but we didnt want it. so I took a few days away.

however,

this did not seem to solve the problem. yesterday I woke up with terrible cramps. and needed to stay in bed (at gavins) and he wanted to do homework and that was fine but he suddenly got really pissy for no reason to the point that I just got up and left. as I was leaving he was complaining that the fighting should have stopped but it didnt and he didnt know what to do.

we made up within the hour. but I still feel very worried.

why are we fighting?

WTF.

You've never been the one to break bad news lightly so when i get a phone call from you, the one that floss' twice a day and uses mouth wash and brushes twice a day, saying you think your teeth are rotting WTF!!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT MAKE JOKES ABOUT THIS!? HOW AM I NOT  GOING TO FREAK OUT AND GO 'ewww I kiss that rotten mouth" HOW CAN I NOT!?!?!?!? ewwwwwwwwww wtf! 

and then you kissed me

you kissed me a year ago today and i have to say it was the most thrilling kiss ever.

grr...

I am so sick of her shit. It doesn't matter anymore if its his fault she changed or not, maybe she was always like this who the fuck cares. the four of us have gone on to do different things since highschool yet shes the only one i dont feel comfortable enough to call up and say "hey lets chillax" because shes so fucking hostile towards me for no fucking reason. so what if ive got new friends enjoy different things i'm alot happier for it just because shes miserable and wasting her life away for a psycho doesn't mean she should take it out on me. "your friend looks like a whore" YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WHORE IS A BETTER FRIEND THAN YOU HAVE BEEN TO ME IN YEARS AND IT IS INSULTING TO BE "FRIENDS" WITH SOMEONE WHO IS SO IGNORANT. 

dude. 3 times. . . .

and happy 11 month to me :)

what we want

I felt annoyed by him. 

I felt I needed space. so i decided i wouldnt stay the night and asked him if he feels were spending too much time together and he said that he too needed space. I however got mad because I wanted attention, I dont want him to want to be away from me!! I was really sad by what he had to say, however i did bring it on myself. so now were in this bizarre position where neither one of us makes sense because I am trying to justify my anger by saying things that dont make complete sense and he is trying to dismiss the fight by saying he is tired. we both want to be together we both want space we both dont want to fight but....

engl 105

gee whiz i do believe I have a shit load of reading to do for the next three and a half months......

The past few days...

• We have started watching all of the starwars movies!!! its tres fun. Gavins new room mate is pretty awesome. 
  
• cmns 221 IS THE BEST CLASS EVER the teacher played David bowie i got to teach the class about bowie its all about popculture and awesomeness!!!
• I got my ring from Gavin its Yukon Jade its so beautiful. 
• I dropped experimental film for english 105 which is early but whatever Ive always wanted that class
• i hate to admit that I am watching Paris Hilton BFF riight now. 

..

I dont think I like this being made fun of thing. after a while it just feels like your one worthless being not particularily good at anything and it really sucks. he says he's sorry and i accept that its just I wonder if thats how he truly feels on the inside about me? am i really some city girl who cant do shit? or is it like he says ...which is something i cant recall at the moment. all i can really recall is "noo its not like that i was just making fun of you..."|uhh thanks that makes me feel so worhty of your time. maybe i should just go home but its really snowy and icky outside.

i really dont know where to draw the line in concerns to this. like how far is too far? when do i tell him to stop and when do i yell stop your making me feel terrible about myself?? and i know you may be reading this and thinking "oh no thats not good sheena hes bad for you" but its not like that. our relationship has always been light and fluffy and full of teasing it just gets out of hand sometimes like tonight.

\i just wish that i didnt feel so shitty because even though he appologizes profusely, i still feel like everything he has said is true and when im out of college i wont amount to anything because of it.

boys need to be programmed

gr. 

so I call you and you say your watching a movie. fine.

you call me on my cell phone, the number i repeatedly tell you not to call when im home, cuz ill miss the call. okay.

when i return your call and your watching a movie with the rents. cool.

when you decide "oh, ill see her tomorrow I dont feel like talking on the phone" and dance around the subject via facebook then demand I call you so you dont feel bad for ditching me when OBVIOUSLY I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT. not okay.  

anxiety

im so excited

im so anxious

counting down hours

counting down seconds.

no one else cares

but thats okay

because I do.

T- 13.5 hours

S

I miss youuu but not...but do....but kinda not...but REALLY do...

So I suppose I should say something of interest. Well, the boy returns in mere hours and I am extremely excited only heres the thing, im kinda liking the being alone thing I feel like im more independent again and I like it. like I can watch whatever the hell I want and not have to think about what he wants. I can veg all day long and not hear "I feel ive wasted my entire day by laying in bef all day" because I dont feel that way at all. however the benefits of being without him DO NOT outweigh the negatives and I am forced to concede and tell him, I could not live without you. which is pitiful, but true.

Im reading The Queens Fool by the author of the Other Boleyn Girl and trying to finish it before he comes back. I doubt that will happen.


um Happy new year!

S

Paris is Burning

So I miss you all and decided to make a blog of my own to keep up with your lives and vice versa.

<3 S