uhhhh me and gavin had a quicky it was short and sweet! har he is completely okay with me fooling around with other guys umm noo so i told him hes the only one i want...bad move?

mallin'

so me, Gavin, Kory, Dylan, Kevin, Danny, Dillon and Jess went to see Rambo today...Gavin told me he liked my make up and that I looked pretty!!

the story so far

Two days ago Billy told me that to solve my Gavin problem i should go up to him and say "so...I think we should make out" so after watching rocky horror I said "i think we should make out" and we did. for ten hours. afterwards the windows were all steamy and shit it was sooooo tacky. Gavin wouldnt let me see or touch his penis. I wonder why... most guys just whip it out! apearantly my pleasure spot is my ear. poor gavin I got my ears pierced tonight so he wont be going there any time soon hehehe umm tonight sheena and i had quiche at the health foood place the lady there had a daughter named Sheena Marie chelanna and i suddenly had plans i didnt know of so the three of us went downtown and got piercings chelanna and i came back for the party which totally blew cuz we werent involved ew left then came back and met kevin rosies friend and travelled from building to building looking for a party! we hung out with this hottie named Eliot. and then we went to my floor. Kevin had a fight with dustin eliot gave me a beer which i saved. eliot is so hot! me eliot and gavin had a talk about stuff gavin is a funny drunk hes so hot! im kinda tipsy Gavin is so good looking I dont understand how! I dont like long hair blonde boys! but hes SO HOT and those hands and those lips and ohhhh hes so hot! but I dont like him so much or i do but not as much i think my new conquest shall be eliot who lives on D5024 TEEEEEEEEE

dream dream

Soooo two days ago I stayed in Gavins room and we layed around and talked and then eventually made out (side note, he is tres amazing at the making out thing!) but other than that he displays no inkling of liking me. okay ill be honest i do the exact same thing but only because im afraid...is he afraid?? nooo I dont know. I just feel horrible it was most likely a stupid fling and nothing more. I should stop visiting and just I dont know. was I used? does it count as being used? does he like me? if he does then why doesnt he act like it? if he doesnt am I stupid and walked into a world I was completely unaware of? Katelin mentioned that they had a thing a while back, a while back is four months ago! was this just a thing to be forgotten? fuck I hate feeling this way. and I keep hoping the more dejected I feel the more likely he will like me. I should just give up. no matter how kind, or how non pushing he was, it was just a fling and should be treated as such. Im so stupid and I think im going to make a playlist regarding this. ...Madonna Im so stupid, Amy Winehouse, he sent me flying... and the likes. if Im going to be alone i may as well be unhappy.

Gavin and I ran down four flights of stairs and up eight to get tickets for rez formal. he really wants to go. maybe i shouldnt go because im not too fond of watching the guys that I like fondle other women and knowing college there will be fondling.

i hate me.

hahahaha

fuck every thing I said

its crazy what twenty four hours can do

at 17

"AT SEVENTEEN"

By Janis Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth...

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say "come dance with me"
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen...

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said: "Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve"
The rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly...

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debitures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen...

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
the world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me...

We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen...

unattractive much?

i never knew how unattractive i was until i hung out with dylan gavin and kevin today. this is extremely depressing I never really thought myself to be ugly before but now that I realize it, it kind of sucks. I really dont like myself. and I really wish i was either not alive, or someone worth while. ...

all the drama in residence is really tiring. this morning everyone knew something about Gavin regarding me. I think its that he thinks im nasty and gross or he wants to fuck and chuck me and the likes. dustin said the oddest thing "looks like gavin got his hopes up" i dont know what that could mean. I was asked whether i liked him or not and I said no defencevly because I honestly don't know and i dont care to know its not important im one of the guys im just not attractive in anyway so theres no point in hoping for anything good afterall.