Do you know what its like to wake up knowing that the sun wont rise again in month? knowing that the sun will stay below the horizon for months at a time? what would you do? You know that you can still live without the sunlight enveloping you in its warmth every day, but what would you do knowing that your every day isnt quite day anymore and is just an endless night in which the moon occasionally shines, but not the same way that the sun would shine. This is what I have to look forward to when you leave me in 22 days. 

I apparently have been absent for ten days. which is kind of coolbecause otherthen the mountains of homework Ive had, me and Gavin have been happy. However hes leaving in twenty six days and this makes me so sad. luckily i get to see him every six weeks. 

lets see.

six times seven equals forty two.

i see him every forty two days.  every month and a half.

that still sucks.

oh well its better then three months without this time hes mine TWICE!!! im so happy. the second i find out my class schedule i can plan my May/ June trip!!  so sorry guys im most likely not going to be here for my twentieth birthday but well still do something sexy, I promise!!

aww gavin just tossed in his bed to put his arm around me!! now hes shifting to find that im not there!!...and instead of caring he snorted and turned to the wall :( oh well. were happy and Im happy BUT OH SO FUCKING STRESSED!!

Lets see

last week I had two 2,500 word papers due

this week one revision that needs to be extended

next week one 2,800 and a 750 word final

week after another 2,500 as well as another final (details have been witheld)

THEN 

english final.

and im done April 16th

Gavins gone April 20th

I move into townhouses WOO april 24th

I start Classes May 4

Gavins Birthday May 26

MY birthday May 29/ SEEING GAVIN! YAY!!

AGH! I LOVE YOU GUYS!

p.s.

Metrics new CD is awesome

SHIT SHIT FUCK FUCK

I had every intention of starting this blog discussing how wonderful gavin is for getting me lunch and stuff but then i remembered something terrible.

so apparently my mom has liver failure, heart disease and diabetes...and I dont know what to do because its hard letting go of all the horrible things she's done to be there for her. i dont know anymore...

not to mention i have 2 2,100 word page essays due this week and one (the geography one which is half done) is a pain in my grill

then i lost at rez idol

I FUCKING LOST!!!

this dumb bitch who FUCKED UP HER SONG got into the top three, WTH MAN WHAT THE HELL!! she wasnt even good she was pitchy and her CA was one of the judges.

everyone said i was amazing, i had stage presence i killed it....yet that dumb sasquathety bitch took my place.


AUG!H

i see my sisters today :)

• You are being fucking ridiculous 
• apparently age isn't anything but a number.

Done

Me and brittany were talking about how when a girl is done in a relationship she is DONE no ifs or buts she is DONE. Tyra said an interesting quote:

There's an "i'm done thing..." when your done you KNOW your done. none of this I love him I'll always love him dud du dah if he gets a job.... when you truly love you  inside and know that you are worth more you know your done. 

Something

So Gavin is sure he has something. he thinks Psychosis or depression or a mix of both. There was another meltdown today. I hope that this passes but I dont think so.  apparently he has three finals in one day. this is not a good recipe.

so it has finally happened

We have become....that couple. We spent all day today in our own filth watching Harry Potter making lame sexual innuendo jokes the entire time, then he went to sleep and I went to the computer and neither of us wanted sex. and we were perfectly fine with that. I must admit this is freaking me out. I mean, we've adopted each others habits. and numerous people noted how we matched clothing and headphones on the way to the gym.  NONE OF ITS ON PURPOSE!! my pants are black his pants are black, my shirt is blue his shirt is blue my headphones are silver his head phones are silver. 

ICK!

p.s.

for last weeks 4 expected meltdowns..

1 complete meltdown

.5 of a meltdown

.5 of a meltdown

totaling: 2/4 meltdowns

YAY FOR ME

A moment like this

me and gavin were watching harry potter and making gay undertones about Malfoy wanting harry. we paused the movie cuz i wanted my heating pad then started making out. then suddenly at the same time we both moaned, "Oh Harry" then burst out laughing. hehe.

eng 105...once again

Im hoping today will be a good day. Im off to the gym after this boring ass class is DONE! i really dont like this class. this class being english 105. my gawd, i shoulda stayed in bed today but it was so nice.  im going to see the watchmen with Gavin *yay*

Chilling with brittany last night was funn

Anxiety, all alone in the moonlight...

Okay so the day before yesterday after Gavins midterm he grabbed me around the waist and swung me around happily. he said that since hes always so down when he doesnt do well he might as well be super happy when he does do well. he kept smilling and wouldnt let me go and it was wonderful.

then yesterday he had a mini meltdown which was unfortunately overshadowed by my own sadness. 

Kory who also had a low GPA got to be a CA.

I just dont understand where I went wrong. and I can understand...but i dont know if I want to.  I spent most of last night crying and even crying myself to sleep from all the anxiety I'm under.

it turns out I have an out line ALSO due for cmns which I was not aware of.  I have seven assignments this month and I think I may collapse from it.

good news.

I have a thesis for my Geography paper!! two weeks after I was supposed to (fyi. i handed in my proposal got a high B but by thesis apparently SUCKED so i needed to re do it)

I just feel so unhappy like a large weight is on me. and when its gone so is Gavin so I have nothing really good to look forward to..

BTW.

I finally came to english class after skipping for two weeks in a row.

FUCK YOU DAVID FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU

I am more frustrated than anything that you keep talking to MY friends. y'know they reply because their being polite but then they always tell me how annoying you are and wish they didnt speak to you about your boring pathetic little life. 

are you so socially retarded that you cant make friends of your own?

I mean it would make sense considering you dont comprehend that what you did to me was wrong on SO MANY FUCKING LEVELS. 

hurry up and fuck off to Montreal, I want to be rid of you and your boring boringness and your trying to move in on MY friendness. 

asshole. 

:(

So I didnt get the CA job. which really breaks my heart because I really wanted this. 

Your sleeping next to me really quietly, which is nice because dealing with your depression today was tough. you feel so fucked over and I understand your frustration but you need to understand that this is difficult for me in a different way. You come to me for help and I help you and you get angry with me for trying to help.  Your so stubborn and prideful that its makeing you nearsighted. I know I have my own problems Im bossy I can be rude but you need to calm down. Tomorrow is a big midterm, worth 30 percent that you are most likely going to fail. I hate admiting that but as long as you walk into things thinking your going to fail what can you expect. 

this depression is putting a different kind of stress on this relationship. I find myself feeling indifferent towards you in your time of need. I dont want to feel that way but when I try to help you and you physically push me away I feel like its all pointless. the only thing I can seem to do right is put my fingers through your hair. 

Im so frustrated with this and I feel like not only do you have depression but you have anxiety attacks as well. 

Im feeling trapped in our relationship. If i think about leaving i cant bare to be apart from the normal you whom i love deeply but if I stay im trapped with the brooding miserable you who devotes his every breath to how much he hates being here, how much of a failure he believes he is and a person whose constantly searching for an  easy way out. 

I have things to do tomorrow. PLEASE be okay...

Meltdown #1

So I  get to start this week off with predicted Meltdown 1/4. this meltdown is characterized with frustration, throwing and thrashing. This meltdown began because...well HE DOESN'T FUCKING KNOW! so now hes miserable and and Im miserable because hes miserable.